Life Lived Backwards

Recently an experience left me feeling extraordinarily disappointed. And yet it is my great expectations that caused this disappointment - great expectations and an enormously overactive imagination that reflects past experiences to suit me. And rarely are they based in reality.  But they carry me to places I find I must revisit and this was one such place.  

It is never surprising to me when expectations are dashed but I am still saddened when this occurs.  I met someone from my youth recently.  Not someone I knew well at all, mind you, but someone I had idealized over the years. He was from one summer back in 1974 and I was dating my boyfriend, turned-husband-now-ex, at the time.  We worked together. We became friends.  He tells me we spent much time together having lunch and getting to know one another at breaks and such.  I don't recall having spent that much time with him - but from the impression he left with me, it clearly must have been more than just a passing chat at the coffee cooler.  He claims to have been pretty infatuated with me.  But he never acted on it.  And I chose to continue dating my steady.

In truth it was a brief - but memorable -encounter for me; one that left an indelible imprint on my memory and if I am honest, maybe even on my heart.  And for some reason, now seemed like the perfect time to try to find him.  I took a chance that he would recall who I was.  to my amazement, he did.  And to wonders of wonders - it turned out we lived in the same county - 3000 miles away from that summer of 1974.

But what begs definition is why I felt the need to reach out to him?  What human frailties that I possess causes me to seem to need to recall people in this way?  It isn't the first time this has happened - sometimes the person that I have spent years  in wonder over question doesn't recall me at all.  Turns out that he did, in fact, wonder about me as well at times over the years.  But why was it so important?

What were my expectations?  I can honestly say that I didn't have any about where it would lead.  I really just wanted to connect with someone that impressed me at a time in my life when I was impressionable.  I realize now how young and naive I really was back then.  I saw the world through my own innocence.  It isn't that I was wrong in my evaluations of him then but I was completely off-base in my thoughts about who he might be now.  Of course our experiences - both his and mine - built our individual realities.  

In part, what was such a huge disappointment for me is that he has no idea who I really am today after the three hours we spent together talking.  He shared all about himself; his life and experiences - all genuinely interesting to me, certainly.  But what he learned about me was only a minuscule sampling of who I am, what I've done with my life; my accomplishments, my failings, my strengths and weaknesses - all because he didn't ask.  And when he did, he didn't listen...the conversation quickly turned back to him.  In not asking many questions of me I was kept from sharing my best.  Frankly, when I told him what I was now doing for a living his overly negative reaction left me feeling defensive - which he called me on - and wishing I could retreat to another corner of the world rather than share more, I decided I would do nothing to try to convince him otherwise.  I allowed him to diminish who I have become in an instant. And in that instant, my memory of him was diminished.

The layers that could be peeled back to find the interesting, engaging individual that I am was lumped into a stereotypical idea by him about my profession.  I allowed him to question my very being and in doing so, I couldn't sleep well that night.  He had gotten under my skin.  He really isn't anyone to me; really just a stranger – rather like an internet date...he isn't someone I've loved and lost, or who has loved me.  Instead he is a figment of my creative mind. 

He fell short of my memories of him.  I'm fairly certain I did, for him, as well.   I'm 35 years older now, and far heavier than I was then....and as sophisticated as I consider myself to be, sometimes I'm still the fragile, innocent young woman of my youth...but I'm certain that the layers that create the depth I offer were not apparent on that Saturday.  

What I was reminded of was that I can't go back home.  It is never as it once was...and the romantic, always willing to get back on the horse, wonderfully Pollyanna that I am wants to believe otherwise.  

Yes, he might be someone I could enjoy knowing...and maybe even like again...but it would take greater effort to navigate the chapters of our lives that have become our reality since we knew one another all those years ago.   Some may call it baggage.  Others might find it simply riches of experience.  In our case, we've both had great achievements and tragedies to color our worlds...but those worlds are worlds apart and without taking the time to know more, likely always will be.

Besides...I'd have to go behind him and leave more money for a tip to the waiter due to the fact that he sees little value awarding a tip based on percentages.  And he'd have to go around apologizing for my profession.

Seems my memories of who I believed he was failed me.  But I have to believe that God and my best friend knew what they were doing in keeping us apart back then.  And maybe, just maybe, I knew as well.

Both of us had the power to change the result...back in 1974 and perhaps even again last Saturday.  Both times we chose differently. 

He will always hold a piece of my heart...a reminder of my innocence. I hope that I can still do the same for him...and from this point on, I chose to remain living in the present.

Because you can’t go home again.

Christmas in the DC Area

The DC area is brimming with hot things to do during the cold winter months.  Christmas shopping in Old Town Alexandria is a delight - never needing to enter a mall again.  Whether you love Williams Sonoma, Ann Taylor, The Gap, Banana Republic or hitting the charming independently owned shops and galleries such as Wayne Fisher's American Design, Imperfections,  there is something for everyone.  Bring your whole family for a day of people watching, street vendors, and after all the festivities, you can enjoy a delightful meal at any number of local haunts; Restaurant Eve is just two doors away from Exit Metro Realty,  Bertuccis, La Madelaine, Fish Market are welcoming places to warm your hands and enjoy good fare. And for those cooking this season, do your holiday food shopping at Trader Joe's at 612 N. St. Asaph St.

Old Town Alexandria is not far from a charming neighborhood - Del Ray, a quaint neighborhood of charming homes, stores, restaurants and that home-town feeling.  There you will find you've stepped back in time...

Delicious Designs

The crossroads I find myself in sends me traveling near to home and even nearer to my heart. I have the time right now and my love of architecture, design and antiques always sends my little heart all a flutter. It is likely that I enjoy the hunt more than the actual acquisition of things but if I could live in the design world every minute of every day, I'd have died and gone to decorating heaven.

My current fantasy is in carving out a niche for this fantastic Flatiron desk from Restoration Hardware and using it as a dining table.  The top is made from an old wooden door, and the iron legs satisfy my love of industrial-feel furnishings.  RH has a similar table slated strictly for dining but this one has a more interesting side detail to it and reflects better the size that I would need.  The best part about their new line and look is the price point, in my opinion, is affordable.  One can overdo the look that they inspire and it becomes cookie-cutter in an instant but pieces here and there are magnificent.  My only complaint about their furniture is most is sized for a castle, not a cottage.  A love seat, for example, in their Camelback sofa is 88 inches.  This size, in reality, is a normal sofa size.  But imagine this wonderful table as either a desk or, in my head, a very edgy and cool dining table.


While searching for finds, I came across a wonderful site which is new to me, however, not the design world...the site is called 1stdibs....with a tagline "the most beautiful things on earth"...isn't that a catchy name for an antique hunt?  The genius behind the site - Michael Bruno (who first cleaned up in the height of the real estate market, I'm told) makes me wish I had the idea first.  Instead...Mr. Bruno got first dibs.  If I had to lose out to someone, this would be the guy..  I digress.
http://www.1stdibs.com


The concept of this terrific source of goods is simple ...one stop shopping with the best dealers from all over....originally designed, I believe, to connect designers to dealers but there are also people of taste (one has to remain confident for one's own self-esteem, I think) who think discovering this site is like handing candy to babies.  Everything from folk art to mid-century wonders, jewelry and quilts to flea markets that stepped right out of Paris - one of my personal favorites is T.C. Donobedian's Paris Flea 
 (more on Mr. Donobedian in a later blog, I'm sure).  In the meantime, and to tease...see the meticulous showroom of Paris Flea in San Francisco.  His vast selection of interesting styles feeds the soul of the light-hearted and offers gorgeously delectable pieces de resistance....which keeps one coming back again for more.



For those designers out there, hunting for the perfect find for that difficult client, 1st dibs would be my store of choice.  Where else would you get mega selections of all types of furniture from every corner of the world, hand selected by discriminating and experienced eyes?  I personally enjoy owning those one-of-a-kind items from earlier times- those that have survived their pasts for decades or centuries...only to find their way to me.  Having extreme eclectic tastes myself, this is a haven for me.  While I may not buy (or I may), I certainly keep abreast of the current trends in design, as well as being educated about their relative costs.
And for those with more taste than money, it's a source to behold before heading out on that weekend jaunt to the local markets and day trips on never-ending HUNT.

How I found 1stdibs was through the August issue of Elle Decor and the article on interior designer James Huniford's weekend home.  My personal design taste is reflected in Ford's style, shown below - simple, straightforward and warm, yet unique and interesting:
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AND....





My searches always land me in interesting territory and this was, for me, like hitting paydirt!

It's all in the ATTITUDE....

Beyond beige...life for me is never dull.  Maybe never fully realized either but then the work-in-progress of my journey called life is ever-changing and probably not interesting to anyone but me.  But my ego is just developed enough to believe that someone, somewhere will perchance to happen upon this blog and decide that a book is in my future.  Dreamer you say?  Why you would be correct.

But do I want it to be?  Do I have enough to share that is worthy of print?  Probably not unless I'm dead and you're feeling nostalgic over something we may have shared together.  So many interesting people have touched my life that I continue to delight in the reality that I never know who will show up on my favorite list and that mysterious mist (or more to the point, fog) is what I live for.

In my overactive,and ridiculously over-thinking mind (notice I did not refer to my mind as brilliant or anything similar) I wonder time and again if my thoughts are unique to me or just run-of-the-mill, mundane and frivolous thoughts not worthy of brain space.   And unless you get down to brass tacks with someone, how do you know?  I guess, I guess.  I mean I guess, I think.  I'm the only person I know that can ramble on about nothing and everything and be less than expert on 99% of anything on any given day.  Some may consider this opinionated.  I, being perfectly honest, believe that there must be something of value in my opinions but all too often lack the confidence to argue my point.  If I do, consider yourself someone I've deemed my friend - someone with whom I risk total embarrassment.

I also know that a great percentage of the people I've been fortunate to meet in my daily travels have brought me something of value and a few offering significantly more that I have taken to heart and held dearly.  I learn something new every day and hope to always find enthusiasm in doing so.  I sometimes have the attention span of a three-year old child and thankfully, occasionally, hold the wonder of it all as well.

What on earth am I trying to say?  Merely this...snatch a part of each day and find value in it...offer up appreciation for what you have and know on some very basic level that the people that cross your path are meant to teach you something....sometimes all that is required is that we listen.

My attempts to listen now are paramount to my future, I believe.  I was laid off in May of this year, which ultimately has been a very big blessing thus far - there always seems to be a silver lining.  I've taken time to hone my resume and learn something from it.  It reads better than I ever would have expected.  The trouble with resumes is that they can only tell a small fraction of the story.  Looking acceptable on paper is, of course, a necessary evil in a job hunt.  But I am looking for so much more than a job...I want a place to go...even if it is to my upstairs office..where I relish the hours that I spend.  And I want to be somewhere that I am valued for my contributions.  I'll let you know when I find it.

I've encountered a new friend in my search this weekend.  Someone whose life has taken so many wonderful twists and turns, chances and risks, I would imagine, to get where he is today - living a life he hoped for...my guess, without knowing him well at all, is that attitude played an enormous role in all of it.  Even having great talent does not promise that you will be revered and respected by your peers.  In fact, another designer I know fairly well has made quite a few enemies in the history of climbing the success ladder.

My hats off to someone I barely know.  Why give kudos to a relative stranger?  The answer is simple.

Because I can.

Marvelous Monday

I find ways to stretch the months in-between posts and normally when something noteworthy (at least to me) happens I always write about it somewhere.  Today is no different.  Today is special.  Why, you might ask?  Well, today, my new granddaughter is a week old and what a week it has been!  Easter Sunday, my oldest daughter went into labor and just an hour and a half after midnight the following day, delivered the world's most beautiful child.  Of course I'm biased but regardless, this is a child of grace and beauty.  She also has a set of lungs on her that will move a mountain, so even in her small, sweet state, I respect that about her and am not going to make her mad any time soon.  Besides, it gives me excuses to endlessly hold and rock her.

Her first day in this crazy world, she cried pretty much all day long - a test of patience on all around her but my poor daughter and son-in-law, exhausted from a long labor, were wondering what exactly they had gotten themselves into and where was the re-homing clause that one has with, say a cat?  Little sweet girl, wise obviously beyond her years, figured she had challenged the troops enough for a good while and the remainder of her first week, she was an angel.  I guess there is such a thing as a traumatic birth experience and baby Nora must have been working through that her first day with us.  She now does what any good little baby should - eats, sleeps, is in need of a diaper change or two and smiles what others say is just gas but Nana knows better.  This little genius baby girl is already smiling at me - you see, we already have our own language that we speak.  The language of sheer love and devotion and I already cannot imagine life without her.  I can hardly wait to bake cookies with her.  Isn't that what good grandmother's do?

I better start with my weight loss plan because I intend on eating plenty of cookie dough that little Nora makes...

The Day AFTER Valentine's Day

I have reasons for having never liking Valentine's Day but they aren't what you might think.  First, I despise the red/pink combinations that are ever-present in all stores and in all ways in the days leading up to that day.  Secondly and far more important to the topic, shouldn't there be 365 days of love in the world?  Instead of only one day dedicated to the ideal of love, let's work on the rest of the year starting with today - the day AFTER Valentine's Day.  And this way, nobody in one fell swoop can ever ruin it for you either. 

I believe that disappointments in life are a result of unrealized expectations.  I've learned to be simply surprised and then ultimately pleased when something good happens instead of always setting my sights too high.  It also allows me to be grateful for the experience, rather than disappointed that I didn't get what I somehow believed to be an entitled part of my life.  We create our experiences, and, as such, our disappointments.  But it takes fortitude to have the courage to give up on the expectation part of life. 

How often do we expect the perfect holiday, only to be disappointed when it did not happen, not only in the way we imagined, but in ways beyond our belief?  Wouldn't we all be better served to plan well, keep our mouths shut and learn to have gratitude the size of Mount Everest?  I work hard at attitude....sometimes not the positive kind but my resolutions have led me to believe that what won't kill you will truly make you stronger, learning from the experience is the only answer and moving forward - knowing that the past cannot be changed and regrets are a waste of time are our only choices. 

We get no do-overs in this life. 

Black Friday....Ughh...

I've always wondered what the big deal is with Black Friday.  Is it really enjoyable to camp out in line (actually, I did this once for a house but we were warm and comfy on a conference room floor in a hotel, thank you and the result was a new house and pick of our lot) in below comfortable temperatures just to save a dime?  Truthfully the only reason I'd consider this is if my child had sat wide-eyed and giddy on that jolly old fella's lap and asked innocently for some toy that couldn't be found anywhere.  Only then would I brave the cold and the fearless. 

I remember back in high school, there was a once-yearly sale that would have landed me a suede coat at an amazing bargain price.  It turned out that my mother dragged my brother and me to my aunt's house for the weekend so we wouldn't be there on sale day and to surprise me, my boyfriend-turned husband-now ex after 24 years, chose to go, for me, as a surprise.  He barely came out alive with all the women and girls fighting him for the coat.  His mother ended up with it because after the vicious attacks, he was left with a size 12 - and I was more like a 2 so even though I tried hard to love it, you couldn't find me in it...The gesture was lovely and it certainly prepared me for later years and bargain hunting.  To this day, I won't go in for the kill. 
Today, against my will, I was dragged to Walmart, almost convinced that the pet crate I was about to purchase at Petsmart was going to be such a better price there.  Black Friday and WalMart are two words one should be placed in jail for even saying.  I knew we were in for trouble, just driving in circles in the parking lot.  Eventually, I got out and we did a Chinese firedrill of sorts, and my friend drove my car around while I went in.  He did find a space and joined me later but not soon enough to curb my bad attitude.  You couldn't manuever a cart, much less your body and finally making our way to the pet department, the items in question were more, not less, expensive than Petsmart's.  I shook my head in disgust because it goes against my religion in the first place to even step foot in Walmart and here I was, in the place of disdain, on Black Friday.

Needless to say, we left without purchase, which means we also left without incident.  I got out of there in the nick of time - before I embarrassed myself or him.  I truly hate that place.  I'm convinced they are not cheaper, just a perception they've marketed for nicely for themselves and there may be that one item that has been advertised to draw you in but once there you are in their tangled web of deceipt.  Prices are not cheaper...and many of the folks that shop there are not educated enough to realize that they might do okay on a few items but overall it is no great bargain.  Like I said, they have mastered marketing 101 and have convinced the American public they are the best game in town.

I say, with pride, that even if they were found to be cheaper, I'd avoid them anyway.  I'd rather pay more and stear clear of that place than get a bargain and come out hating life. 

Have I mentioned I hate Walmart and Black Friday?